Who Have You Got Going for You?
“Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, it will change your life.”
Amy Poehler
Research shows that we can recognise up to 1500 people and Dunbar’s number says we can successfully maintain meaningful relationships with around 150 people. In between there are your 500 acquaintances, who will fall broadly into three categories of ‘helpfulness’.
- 10% are Active Cheerleaders – they are on your side and will always support and encourage you whatever the situation
- 80% are Passive Bystanders – they don’t have much interest in you or your success, but would help or support if you approached them directly
- 10% are Active Adversaries – they don’t like you, don’t think you deserve success and will place barriers in the way of your progression
Your Active Cheerleaders are in your corner. They like you, actively support you, include you in their networks, contact you out of the blue with ideas, provide genuine encouragement for everything you do. They believe in you. Invest in these relationships and keep them in the loop about your next steps and future plans.
Winning over your Active Adversaries will take lot of your time and energy. And it may not be successful in the longer term. So, only focus on this group if you really feel up to it and target individuals carefully. Remember they are easily outnumbered by the 90% who are or can be with you. Accept that you can’t have everyone on your team.
Instead focus on the Passive Bystanders. They are a rich, untapped seam of goodwill that can be released to propel you to your successful future. These people are probably not aware of your needs, your plans for the future, or the steps you want to take in your life. Often, to move them towards being Active Cheerleaders, you simply need to speak up, make contact and ask for their support.
It’s up to you to take that first step, they aren’t sitting by the phone waiting for your call, but they do have energy that can be working for you. Focus more on the Passive Bystanders, where there is the potential for support, than the likely lost cause of the Active Adversaries.
How Do People Influence You?
We are all influenced by others and can gain insight by noticing the roles that people play in our lives. Some people may appear in several different roles depending on context and your relationship with them.
Work through the list of roles below (adapted from John Lockett’s book, Powerful Networking), noticing how you are influenced by others. Record the names of those around you occupying each role and note down why they are there. Notice also where there are gaps, perhaps you have more names in some roles than others. Consider which roles are important for supporting your aspirations and future plans.
1 Energy Givers – Those who lift your mood and energy
We should all spend more time with these people. They pick you up when life is tough, restore your equilibrium when it is rocked and feel comfortable and accepting to be with. They have a generous spirit and you come away from them feeling confident, reassured and restored. They could be among your Active Cheerleaders.
2 Energy Drainers – Those who bring you down
These are people we need to spend less time with. Their effect on you may be subtle, but you can feel squashed, exhausted, or sapped of all vigour after being with them. Their intentions may be positive and well-meaning and they may be unaware of their draining effect. They can eat up your time and energy, leaving you questioning if you can reach your goals.
3 Role Models – Those who have gone before
We want to follow in the footsteps of these people as they have taken a path that we aspire to. They may have set positive precedents that will help us along. But equally, whilst you can learn from their experience, there may be aspects of their behaviour or attitude that you don’t want to emulate.
4 Heroes and Heroines – Those providing inspiration
We are inspired to be our best selves by our heroes and heroines, whether they are real or imaginary, alive or dead, familiar or strangers. We take from them a vision of what could be possible for us, feeding our passion and determination, commitment to our goals and our tenacity of intent.
5 Gatekeepers – Those who control access to people and opportunities
We can gain many resources from these people, including contacts, support, ideas, information, equipment and materials, new projects and finance. For some, this is part of their professional role (such as careers advisors) and for others, it may be more informal (like a creative good friend). Remember that family, friends and colleagues can be gatekeepers and the influence of gatekeepers can be negative if they withhold access to resources. They can be found at any level, above or below you in the workplace. They can unlock opportunities that may be difficult to access otherwise.
6 Neutral People – Those just waiting for a request to help
These are your Passive Bystanders. Pluck up courage and ask for what you need. There are probably many of them around you and you have nothing to lose. Their influence on you can be positive once they know how to help you. Aim to turn them into Active Cheerleaders.
7 Enemies – Those who actively stand in your way
These are Active Adversaries. Their attitude can be provoked by jealously, differing beliefs and opinions, or fear of being hurt or threatened by your success. Or their stance towards you may be unfathomable. They can undermine your determination and confidence to succeed and disrupt the support you get from others.
8 Gardener Bosses, Coaches and Mentors – Those actively contributing to your development
These are great people to have in your life as they are focused on you becoming more of the you that you can grow into. They enjoy this role, as seeing you develop is also rewarding for them. Hang on to these people, get as much from them as you can. Move on from bosses who don’t take this role or consider formal coaching or mentoring if this role is absent from your informal contacts.
9 Apprentices – Those you are developing for the future
We all should be giving back when we can. We feel better for helping others. So, how can you encourage those who are following you? What can you do to make opportunities for those coming up behind you? What can you pass on from your own knowledge and experience? You are at less risk of getting stuck in a role if you are already grooming your successor.
Do you have some names under each of these descriptions?
Positive Practice
Are you getting enough of the right sort of support? Do you have access to a broad range of information and ideas or are you in an echo chamber? Do those around you provide the right amount of formal or informal feedback? Do you need a formal mentor or coach? Is the amount of challenge in your life and work right for you?
To get the best out of your reflections on the list above, consider the following:
- Are most of your names in just a few categories?
- What are your feelings about this?
- Do some categories have no names? Which?
- Does it matter? What will you do about this – something – nothing?
- What is your main source of help, support, advice and ideas?
- Which people give you the most helpful feedback?
- What action will you take to mitigate any negative effects of Enemies, Gatekeepers, Energy Drainers etc?
Take some time to work through these questions. Look at who you’ve got going for you and how they can help you to achieve your goals. Now go and spend some more time with your Active Cheerleaders!
“If you want to go fast go alone. If you want to go far go together.”
African Proverb
Image credits: Meaningful relationships – Emmanuel Lafonte Diverse hands – Vector Goddess
