“It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.”

Madeleine Albright

It hardly seems necessary to learn assertiveness in order to reply to a straight question, but do you tie yourself up in verbal knots to avoid giving straight answers to straight questions?

Here’s an example:

A colleague asks you, “When does the report have to be finished?”

How do you reply?

Passively: “Umm – I think it might be Friday, but then I’m not really sure, it could be Monday or even next week sometime. You’d better check with someone else. It’s stupid that I don’t know.”

Aggressively: “You mean you don’t know? You were at the meeting when the work was allocated and the deadlines were agreed. Why don’t you get organised and go and read the notes yourself?”

Assertively: “It’s due in by Friday lunchtime.”

How would you reply, assertively, to the following questions? Make a note of your answers.

“Who’s shopping for tonight’s dinner?”

“When will you have finished that data for me?”

“How do you feel about this newsletter right now?” You can hit reply and send me the answer to that one!

Are You Being Heard?

You can use assertiveness when you feel that you aren’t being listened to, or you think you aren’t being taken notice of. When you suspect that you aren’t being heard, you might tend towards either aggressive or passive behaviour. An assertive way of dealing with the situation is simply to repeat the essential parts of your message while continuing to acknowledge the other person.

Here’s an example. You and your manager are about to meet with a client and they are hassling you to have all the paperwork ready.

“You’re sure you’ve got all the relevant notes and specifications?” they say.

“I’m well prepared and put all the paperwork together yesterday,” you reply.

“But have you checked that everything is there?” they insist.

“When I gathered everything together yesterday I had a really good checklist. You can rest assured that it’s all in order.” Clear repetition without becoming passive or aggressive.

Work out an assertive way of ensuring that you are heard in these situations:

• You’re at a weekly meeting where it is assumed that you’ll organise the meeting next week. Your flexible working arrangements mean that you won’t be at work until after next week’s meeting. What is an assertive way to explain this and re-allocate the work?
• Your friend assumes that you will always come to the gym with her on Tuesdays. You want more choice over when you go to the gym and who with. How can you explain this to her, in a pleasant and assertive way?

These are just a couple of examples to play with, but they should help you to be more assertive when you need to be heard.

Image credit: Nick Fewings on Unsplash

How Good Are You at Receiving Compliments?

In the UK culture, compliments are often regarded with suspicion and our responses to them can be dismissive, provide justification or explanation.

Giving and receiving compliments can be difficult, as people may think that you either have some ulterior motive or are trying to get you on their side. However, giving and receiving feedback, including compliments, is an important aspect of assertiveness.

Aim for a ratio of 20:1 – 20 bits of positive feedback or compliments to a single piece of criticism or corrective feedback.

When you give a compliment, keep it short, factual, and to the point and personalise it too, if it feels right. “Thank you for helping to get the report looking really professional. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into getting the layout right.”

When you receive compliments well, it boosts your self-esteem and that of the compliment giver. Those with lower self-esteem tend to dismiss the compliments they receive. “It’s nothing. It didn’t take me long. I didn’t mind helping out.”

When you receive a compliment, keep your response short, don’t push the compliment away or diminish yourself. You may also want to say how you feel. Often a simple “Thank you” is all you need.

A passive response would be “Oh it was really simple stuff actually – our intern Sayeeda did most of the work anyway.”

An aggressive response could be “Oh finally someone noticed our work!” This could come across as very sarcastic. And it won’t be appreciated by the person offering you the compliment.

An assertive way of replying might be “Thanks. I’m pleased you took the time to feed back. I really liked how it looked when we’d finished working on it.”

The next time you receive a compliment, simply take a breath and think about how you would like to reply. Don’t default to your dismissive, passive response. Saying thank you in a calm, assertive way is also nicer for the person giving you the compliment. They are more likely to feel appreciated for pointing out your positive contribution and therefore more likely to repeat the behaviour.