When you read the question, “Are you good at saying No?” how did you answer?

• Yes!
• No!
• No?
• Sometimes
• Not really …
• I’m not sure …

‘No’ is one of the shortest, and yet most difficult words for most of us to say. It is also one of the most powerful words we can use. There are times when we need to be able to say ‘No’ assertively and times when we need to use it carefully.

Are you ready to explore this more? (Hint – the answer to that question is definitely not ‘No’!)

Are You Good at Saying No?

“Saying No gains you respect. When you say No, the other person may feel disappointed. But ultimately, they will respect you for taking good care of yourself. And most of all, you’ll respect yourself because you are being true to yourself!

Doreen Virtue

It hardly seems necessary to learn assertiveness, in order to reply to a straight question, but do you tie yourself up in verbal knots to avoid giving straight answers to straight questions, or to avoid saying No?

Here’s an example:

A colleague asks you: “Can you do this extra report for me and finish it by the end of the day?”

How do you reply?

A Passive Reply: “Umm – I think I could try, but I’m not really sure if I have time, so I’ll give it a go, but I’m already so busy.”

Aggressively: “Why didn’t you ask me for this report two weeks ago?! Why are you asking for it now, when you know that I’m already really busy?!”

Assertively: “No. I can’t get it done today. Can it wait until tomorrow?”

No wonder saying ‘Yes’ is easier, even when you’d prefer to say ‘no’! Assertive behaviour means choosing to say ‘no’ and backing it up with an explanation, if you want to. It doesn’t mean making excuses or apologies, or justifying yourself. You don’t need to go on giving excuses so that the other person will think well of you, or at least think your reasons are good enough.

Why do you think you have trouble saying no?

We all struggle with No sometimes. When I’ve worked with groups on this question these are some of the answers that emerge from our discussions:

1. We don’t want to let people down, particularly those we care about or respect. When working in a close, supportive team we don’t want to disappoint our colleagues.
2. We worry about being seen as selfish. Saying No can be interpreted as putting our own needs above those of the team, or the person asking us to do something.
3. We don’t want to appear difficult. We can worry that saying No can result in being labelled as uncooperative, unhelpful or ‘not a team player’.
4. We worry about damaging our relationships. Our saying No could lead to conflict, resentment, rejection or a change in how we are perceived by others, or how they feel about us.
5. We (wrongly) believe that we’re responsible for other people’s feelings. We fear that if we say No they will be upset, angry, disappointed and we’ll be the one who caused that to happen. So we feel guilty already about that, and now we feel that we have to manage their upset, anger or disappointment.
6. We worry about the consequences. Maybe there is an actual risk to saying No – losing out on opportunities, damaging an important relationship, upsetting a powerful person or provoking anger or violence. This worry carries more weight in our daily conversations where there is a clear hierarchy or power imbalance.
7. We need to be needed. Seeing ourselves as the ‘reliable one’ or the ‘one that sorts things out’ can become part of our identity and then saying No can feel like losing part of that identity.
8. We want to be validated or appreciated. When we agree to requests or help people, this can provide us with a sense of being valued or appreciated. It can give us a feeling of approval. If we say No we can lose that positive, nurturing internal feedback.
9. We are going against weighty societal expectations. From an early age, many women or younger siblings may have been conditioned to be helpful and accommodating. We may have been encouraged to be caring, polite, cooperative and considerate of others. Saying No may feel like going against expectations of how we ‘should’ behave.
10. We’re not clear on our own boundaries. If we’re not clear about what we have the resources, time, energy, enthusiasm or desire to do, then we may automatically say Yes before we have even properly considered the request or situation.

These comments are not surprising, when we understand that the brain is wired for social connection. We are psychologically programmed to avoid rejection or conflict. We tend to catastrophise too, believing the worst that will happen, when often a simple No will suffice and be accepted. No is a healthy boundary.

Let me know if you need more help saying No. If I don’t have time exactly when you ask, don’t be surprised if I say No. We can arrange a time that suits both of us! Call me on 0797 707 2760 or send a nice email to sue.hewitt@develomenta.co.uk.

Let’s see how you can choose it when you need to and develop better skills at using it.