“The biggest difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how your words and behaviours affect the rights and wellbeing of others.”

Sharon Anthony Bower

The first question to ask yourself is “How do I want to increase my assertiveness and in which specific situations?”

Take some time to write down the real and everyday situations that you encounter, either at work or at home, where you would like to be more assertive. Start off with one that isn’t very challenging at all. You could probably handle it if you decided to just get on with it. Then go to the other end of the scale and think of the scariest or most challenging situation that you face where you’d like to be more assertive, it’s probably one that you have been avoiding. The circumstances may make you feel quite unwell just thinking about it; possibly you think that nothing can be done about it, that it’s beyond your abilities to deal with. Write it down, all the same. Then add those that fall in between these two extremes.

Here are some ideas of where you may want to become more assertive in your personal life:

• stopping a barrage of social media messages
• telling a friend you don’t want to go out with her at the weekend
• asking your family to take on more tasks at home without getting angry and resentful
• dealing with misogynistic comments that are disguised as ‘banter’
• looking after yourself so your needs come first more often

Here are some possible work examples:

• saying no to extra work when you’re already behind on your commitments
• colleagues not playing their part in keeping the printer topped up with paper
• not being spoken over at meetings
• speaking up for what you believe is right with senior people
• convincing your boss you are ready to take on more responsibility

Look at all the examples you’ve written down and pick the 10 that are the most important to you right now. Make sure you have a list of home and work examples, big and small, long and short term. Number them from 1 – 10, with 1 being the simplest and 10 being the toughest. Next to each one, write down how you currently deal with the situation. Are you assertive, passive or aggressive? This is your Assertiveness Agenda and gives you a list of areas you’d like to work on, and where you’d like to become more assertive. You can now see which areas are your priority to start with, rather than trying to take on all of it at once.

Image credit: Robert Collins on Unsplash

How to Be Assertive

There are no standard scripts, tricks or mystical approaches to assertiveness. There is a straightforward way to approach it using these five vital ingredients:

1. Listen – those who are successful at being assertive are good listeners. You may feel you are a good listener and that is undoubtedly true for all of us in some circumstances, but really listening and receiving the message the other person is sending gets more difficult the more complex, emotional, contentious or provocative the topic is. Assertiveness is often about sorting out awkward or difficult situations, so listening is a key skill.

2. Demonstrate understanding – true assertiveness is not simply pat responses! You need to demonstrate, by how you listen and by what you say in response, that you really have understood the other person’s situation or their view of it. You need to demonstrate that you know how it is to be in their shoes. Just saying “I understand how you feel,” is not enough.

3. Say what you think and feel – be clear about what you think and identify your feelings. Make sure that you differentiate what is thinking and what are feelings. If you notice yourself saying ‘I feel that…’ that’s thinking, not feeling. Then decide how to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly and simply, so that they can be understood. Make sure that you include how you feel. This is a vital fact about you.

4. Say specifically what you want to happen – dropping hints never works! First, you need to decide what it is you want to happen. Clearly expressing this increases the possibility of it happening. Also, you are much less likely to be misunderstood. Simply expressing your wants and needs doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want, but the other person will be clear about where you stand and it gets you closer to an agreement.

5. Work out joint solutions – there may be a gap between what you want and what others want, so this means your assertive statement is the first step to working out a joint solution. This means joint problem-solving to reach a solution that pleases all parties, not a compromise. In a compromise, someone always loses and assertiveness aims to reach a solution where everyone’s needs are respected. This means that you need to explore the consequences of each choice on yourself and the others concerned.

That’s the theory! To put it into practice let’s begin with finding the right words…