“No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

There’s a spectrum of behaviour. We’re all capable of behaving aggressively, passively and assertively. Aggressive behaviour is getting your own way, no matter what, interrupting or speaking over others and winning at all costs. I’m sure we all recognise that both in ourselves and others. At the other end of the scale is behaviour that puts others wants and needs above our own, where we give in, let others walk all over us, and rarely have things resolved the way that we would like. Again, we probably recognise these passive behaviour tendencies in ourselves and others.

Assertiveness lies somewhere between these aggressive and passive poles on the spectrum of behaviour. It’s about building your own self-respect and respecting other people. When we behave aggressively, we don’t respect others. When we behave passively, we show little respect for ourselves.

Choosing to behave more assertively is choosing for the assertive you to:

• be open and honest with yourself and others
• listen (really listen) to other people’s points of view
• show understanding of other people’s situations
• express your ideas clearly, but not at the expense of others
• be able to reach workable solutions to difficulties
• make decisions – even if your decision is to not make a decision!
• be clear about your point and not be side-tracked
• deal with conflict, even if it’s a small niggle or friction
• have self-respect and respect for others
• be equal with others whilst retaining your uniqueness
• express feelings honestly and with care.

The assertive you can probably do some of these some of the time already. Most of us can be assertive in certain situations, with certain people, in certain environments, while needing to work on it at other times. What’s important is being aware of what you’re doing and how you’re treating other people.

We can all access the full range of the spectrum of behaviour. Every minute of every day we move up and down the spectrum, behaving more or less aggressively, assertively or passively depending on:

• who we are with
• the situation we’re in with that person
• our history with that person or the situation
• how we feel about ourselves in that moment
• how we feel about the other person
• how brave, confident, fearful, tired, stressed or fragile we may feel
• who else is around
• how supported or nurtured we feel
• our constraints around time or other resources such as patience
• how prepared we feel for the conversation
• how we have already guessed the situation might end (either badly or well)
• what is at stake, how important the issue is to us
• societal expectations of how we should behave or respond
• and a host of other factors.

To start to build a picture of the assertive you, observe yourself and note – what are the situations, relationships and environments where you behave more towards the aggressive end of the spectrum?

What are the situations, relationships and environments where your behaviour tends towards the passive end of the spectrum?

And what are the situations, relationships and environments where you feel comfortable behaving assertively?

What are the differences between these situations, relationships and environments that can give you clues about what helps you to behave more assertively?

Image credit: Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Self-Respect and Respect for Others

Assertiveness is a choice. It’s choosing to behave in a way that demonstrates your self-respect and respect for others. Assertiveness is also concerned with dealing with your own feelings about yourself and other people, as much as with the end result. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s harder to choose to be assertive.

If you don’t respect and value your own wants, needs and preferences, you are more likely to tend towards passive behaviour. You may find yourself giving in to others, keeping quiet or saying ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’. Often things don’t quite end the way you would have liked, you can feel downtrodden and undervalued, disrespected and not recognised.

If you respect and value your own wants, needs and preferences above those of others, even unconsciously, then you are more likely to tend towards more aggressive behaviour. You might find yourself acting this way in the heat of the moment, or because you feel you know best as you’re the more experienced person, or you disagree with the other person.

Often our passive or aggressive tendencies can be an autopilot or default behaviour. Only you can truly decide what is assertive for you, because only you know what you are thinking and feeling inside at any particular moment. One of the best tips to enable the assertive you to slide more into the open is just to take a moment to reflect, so that you give yourself a chance to choose an assertive response rather than give an autopilot aggressive or passive reaction.