Can you promote a positive image of yourself, so that you can achieve the visibility you need to match your values and achieve your goals? In this blog, we take a look at how you can make a start at being more memorable, in order to get to where you want to go!

“I think the best role models for women are people who are fruitfully and confidently themselves, who bring light into the world.”

Meryl Streep

Do you feel better about yourself when your good performance is recognised? Most of us do, but recognition only comes when people can see how well you are doing.

Even if your goal is clear to you, the impression you give of yourself may prevent others from perceiving you in ways that help you reach your goals. They may not realise that you’re keen for that promotion, or that you’d like to be considered to lead that new project.

The idea of consciously working on the impression you create may feel strange. Some people think it suggests that you’re phoney, trying to be something you are not – a superficial or manipulative person. Actually, the opposite is true. You’re aiming for people to perceive you accurately. This means being more confidently yourself and putting the authentic ‘you’ on show. People need to have the clearest impression of you, so they know who you are, what you are all about, what you have to offer and what you want. Just hoping that people will notice you won’t get you the promotion you want, the best access to opportunities or a pay rise. It’s more effective to take the initiative and make sure people know about the real you.

If you’ve never thought about the impression you create, it might explain why interviews seem to go well but you never get the job, or your friends don’t take your idea of being a team leader seriously. Are your suggestions ignored at work? Do you feel that you’re taken for granted or that your aspirations surprise people? This could also be because you don’t spend enough time considering the impression you create.

When it comes to creating the best impression, there are many aspects to consider – your personal brand, your message and your visibility. Let’s start with your personal brand and I’ll cover some of the other areas in future issues of this newsletter.

Your personal brand is an instant label that people apply to you based on your personality, your reputation, your behaviour and your past performance. You want your brand to support and reinforce what you’re aiming to achieve in life, rather than undermining your efforts. It should reflect your values, connect with your purpose in life and demonstrate you being the ‘you’ that you want to be. Your brand is about you telling people what to expect of you, while allowing them to ‘get’ who you really are. When you can show what is unique and different about you, you have a strong personal brand. Your brand should excite you – or at least give you a warm glow! If it doesn’t and you want to do a bit more work on your personal brand, complete the Brand Questionnaire below.

Image credit: DesignEcologist on Unsplash

Your Brand Questionnaire

Take some time to complete these sentences:

I am already known for ……….

By this time next year I will also be known for ……….

I am already trusted with/to ………. because ……….

I stand out from my colleagues and those around me because ……….

I have credibility in ………. because ……….

I make a difference with/by/to ……….

I am different from ………. because ……….

What separates me from others like me is ……….

You want me on your team because ……….

Start by answering these questions yourself. Then ask other people you trust who know you well, or with whom you work. As well as thinking about the impression you want to create, it’s a great idea to collect views on how other people see you now. This feedback will highlight any gaps between perception and reality – between how you are seen and how you really are. Then you can decide if you need to change anything.

If you’re not sure who to ask for feedback, you’re not sure what to do with the information you collect or you need some advice on what changes you’d like to make, call me on +44 07977 072 760 or click here to email me and we can arrange a coaching call.

The post How Do You Promote a Positive Image of You? first appeared on develomenta.

“A woman is like a tea bag — you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Increasing your overall energy levels will give you a firm foundation for growing your resilience. Being more resilient means being more able to cope in the face of everyday challenges and tricky situations, and also reducing your risk of the detrimental effects of stress. With more energy you can enjoy every part of your life – no matter what it throws at you!

There are four elements of energy to consider:

• Physical activity – how much physical exercise and movement you can do and how much you can keep doing
• Sleep – how much good quality sleep you get, on a regular basis
• Boundaries – the breaks you take and the boundaries you set around you, your energy and your time
• Nutrition and healthy consumption – how often you eat and drink healthily, without relying on processed food and stimulants such as alcohol

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?! Until life gets in the way. Read on for some practical tips on how to bring a focus to your energy on a regular basis.

Positive Practice – Your New Energy Plan: Changing One Small Thing

Let’s take a quick tour of each of these 4 elements so you can choose one small thing to do differently. Make a note of your answers, put them somewhere you can see them, commit with time in your diary, – or, even better, make your new energy plan with a buddy or your partner!

Physical Activity

The NHS recommend you do at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity activity a week spread evenly across the week. Also, reduce time spent sitting or lying down and break up long periods of not moving with some activity. Every step you take each day above 2,500 reduces your risk of dying prematurely from all causes.

Are you moving enough? How could you move more? Could you walk or cycle to work or to the shops? Can you use the stairs rather than the lift, get off the bus one stop earlier, park further away? Could you move more at home maybe by tidying, DIYing, gardening or even dancing to the radio? Can you join in the kid’s activities or those of your friends? Even if you are doing very little maybe you could join parkrun and simply walk the route.

Think about and plan:

1. What physical activity can you do today?
2. How can you get 10 extra minutes of activity tomorrow?

Sleep

Sleep enhances recovery so lack of sleep can affect your immune system, concentration and ability to learn as well as your energy levels all day. Adults need between 7-9 hours of sleep and each person has very individual requirements and preferences.

Are you getting enough good quality sleep? What affects your ability to sleep? Is your sleeping area too hot, too noisy, too bright, too cluttered? Can you establish a bedtime routine that works for you? Can you get an early night a couple of times a week? Can you have a day without the alarm clock? Do you need different pillows or duvet or blankets? What helps you to get back to sleep when you wake up during the night? Trade sleep tips with friends and family and try out different approaches.

Make sleep choices:

1. How will enhance your bedtime routine this week?
2. What can you do to reduce your screen time this month?

Image credit: David Clode on Unsplash

Boundaries

One of the biggest challenges to energy management can be the constant demands on our time – both at work and at home, meaning you can end up tired and drained of energy. One way to handle this is to set up some healthy boundaries, to make sure you give yourself time for ‘you’ – to rest and recover.

Rest and recovery are individual. You know what works best for you and what you enjoy doing most. When you plan to do things that you enjoy you are more likely to make them happen

Are you building regular breaks into your day? Can you take microbreaks of 10 minutes or less even when you are powering through your to-do list? Do you leave work or switch off your computer when you say you will? Do you get fresh air and sunlight during the day to reset your body clock? What types of activities do you use to switch off and relax? What new activities can you try? Are you taking time for yourself, with friends and with family? Do you have a mix of activities which require creativity, mindfulness, being outdoors/indoors or using a skill? What time off will you book into your calendar this week?

For you to think about:

1. What are your favourite relaxation activities?
2. How can you build more of these into your week and month?

Nutrition and Healthy Consumption

We all need the best fuel to operate well. Eating regularly, choosing healthy options, keeping properly hydrated and avoiding ultra-processed foods will all contribute positively to maintaining our energy levels throughout the day. We all know that we should eat more fruit and veg, avoid too many high sugar, high-fat foods, get enough protein and aim for slow-release energy foods.

Are you drinking enough non-caffeinated drinks? Can you choose fruit instead of cake? Can you steam instead of frying? Are you getting your 30 plant types per week? What can you do to make a healthy packed lunch? How can you make healthy choices if you are eating out? Are you getting a good breakfast each day? Have you had your last meal of the day by 7.30pm?

Switching up your nutrition:

1. What small switch can you make today to choose a healthier option?
2. What plan can you make over the next week/month to fuel yourself in a healthy way?

These are some simple options to give you more energy for life’s challenges by changing small things. Keep it manageable, don’t change everything at once, see what works best for you and make tweaks.

If you need any help with pacing yourself and improving your energy, don’t struggle. Call me on +44 07977 072 760 or email me and we can arrange a coaching call.

The post Do You Have the Energy to be Resilient? first appeared on develomenta.

Shannon Celebi – Driving off Bridges

Although we’re only just into a new year and spring is fast approaching, there may still be areas of your life (perhaps even many) – at work or at home – that are causing you stress right now.

The first thing to do is to face this list calmly, it’s not uncommon to feel weighed down by all these different things which require attention and as you read this, you are taking the first steps to reduce the feeling of stress and overwhelm. Instead of trying to deal with them all at once, first think about what needs the most attention right now. Choose one or two areas to explore. Here are some examples:

• Exercise – not enough or too much
• Taking non-prescription drugs
• Inner calmness or the lack of it
• Lack of fun
• Eating habits
• The pace of your life – too fast or too slow
• Remaining properly hydrated
• Smoking or vaping
• Making a career move
• A life change such as moving home, birth, wedding, chronic illness, new partner
• Alcohol intake
• Social media usage or screen time
• How full your life is – are you busy doing the wrong things

If there are other areas of your life that you know need work, pick one or two of those. What do you feel needs some urgent attention and what can wait? Start with the most urgent – those areas that would reduce your feelings of stress the most if they were dealt with.

Image credit: Jaakko Kemppainen via Unsplash

Look for Long-Term Strategies

Once you’ve decided what to work on, look for help that’s already available to you.

Find out what support there is for you where you work or through professional bodies you may be connected with, for example, your Union. There may be formal well-being schemes, counselling, coaching, at-seat massage, stress awareness or resilience courses, relaxation rooms or other initiatives. Can you work more flexibly, reduce your workload or hours, share tasks, delegate or automate?

What can you find locally? Look at noticeboards or websites. Your library, community centre, leisure centre or gym, doctor’s surgery, health food store or local newsagent’s window can help. Where is your nearest green space or park, trim track, hypnotherapist, swimming pool, yoga or dance class or reflexologist?

Make use of technology. There are many good apps that can help you practice breathing or mindfulness. Apps can monitor and record your exercise levels and frequency, happiness scores and stress symptoms. You can stream or download relaxation and visualisation audio tracks. Wearable tech can give you real-time information on your physiology.

Notice, ask about and explore how people around you (family, friends, colleagues) cope with, manage or overcome stress and pressure. Ask how they keep going, deal with setbacks or manage overwhelm. Be curious to discover their strategies.

The final step is to be assertive with yourself to make sure that you go and do it, whatever ‘it’ is. Then use the positive nurturing part of yourself to reward yourself for doing it, and keep on doing it, if you enjoy it. And be kind to yourself when you have a day when nothing goes well. Tomorrow you can start again.

Positive Practice – Short-Term Strategies

So, you’ve got some long-term strategies for finding more energy and reducing stress and anxiety levels. But what about right now? How do you deal with everyday nerves?

In day-to-day activities, you may experience sudden attacks of nerves which can grow into panic or anxiety. Nerves are normal and you can overcome their effects, or at least minimise them. For example, if you find yourself getting nervous before an interview or a presentation, or another day-to-day home or work situation, try some of these strategies.

They have cumulative effects. Doing them regularly is like putting money in your ‘calmness bank’, which you can then draw on in times of need.

The keys to handling your daily nerves are:

• Breathing – try sitting still for two minutes and focus on taking longer, deeper breaths. Practice slowing your breathing any time you feel your anxiety levels rise.
• Releasing tension – when we feel nervous, we often carry tension in our muscles. Take a couple of minutes to scan your whole body and ask any areas that feel tight to ‘release’.
• Stress situations can result in adrenalin release. To help overcome this take a few moments to sit quietly and clench as many muscles as possible at the same time; feet, legs, hands, abdomen, buttocks, shoulders. Keep clenched for 10 seconds then release and repeat. Keep your good-quality breathing going throughout.
• Preparation and planning – planning substitutes thinking for worrying! Having a plan and being prepared allows you to contain any worry and to feel more in control. Think of an event in the future about which you’re a bit nervous. Write down some “What if” statements about the event. “What if X happens?” Then write down every idea you can come up with to deal with it, from the most reasonable to the downright crazy! “What if …? I will …” Some of your solutions might make you laugh so much, that you forget to worry! And laughter is always a great way to raise your energy!

The next time you feel yourself getting stressed or anxious, or you start worrying about something, try any or all of these four exercises. Slow your breathing, clench then relax your tight muscles and have some fun planning a way forward.

A worry shared is a worry much less worth worrying about, so remember to look for help. Talk to trusted friends, colleagues or family members. You’ll probably find that you’re not alone in your worries. You can also get professional help from your GP or talking therapists. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, or you’d like a confidential ear, please do get in touch to arrange some coaching. Call me on +44 07977 072 760 or click here to email me and we can arrange a coaching call.

The post Even More Energy & Even Less Anxiety? first appeared on develomenta.

Ruth Carter Stapleton

Whatever your plans for Christmas or the festive end-of-year period, you will enjoy it most when you feel able to cope with the inevitable pressures and challenges that the festivities can present. Taking a holistic approach to developing your resilience can really support your well-being at this time of year.

To give yourself the pre-Christmas gift of the Five Gold Rings of Christmas Resilience, read on…

1. Energy – being in peak condition. Energy is the foundation of our physical, mental and emotional resilience. Your level of energy influences the way you think, your overall health, your general mood and your sense of happiness. Being able to sustain and renew your physical energy gives you the capacity to keep going during more challenging times. Low energy is bad news and affects every part of your life.

What can you do to make sure you have the right amount of energy at Christmas? Here are some ideas.

Make time for activities that give you the energy to counteract energy-draining commitments – this could be enjoying time in the fresh air, doing physical activity such as yoga or running, meditation, singing or even tidying a garden.

Schedule in regular intervals of self-care, restoration and recovery, even during high-paced or intense periods – this could be a relaxing hot bath, an afternoon siesta, 10 minutes of downtime to walk around the block or simply a restorative hot chocolate drink.

Enjoy your share of the likely nutritional excesses over the Christmas period and also make good choices to support your body with good hydration, fruit and vegetables and high-quality protein, including nuts and seeds. Couple that with taking opportunities, when possible, to reduce alcohol, sugar and starch intake and you’ll find your energy much better balanced across each day.

2. Flexible Thinking – adapting to circumstances. Flexible thinking is the ability to see things from different perspectives, helping you to find alternative approaches to challenges you encounter. The opposite of flexible thinking is ‘thinking traps’ – automatic thoughts which can happen very easily and are often inaccurate, irrational and over-exaggerated. Perhaps you fall into the same thinking traps, make the same assumptions and repeat the same habits. Having a flexible and open mindset helps to prevent you from making snap judgements and assumptions about people and situations.

What thinking traps do you want to avoid this Christmas? Try out these experiments.

Perhaps you always catastrophise, seeing the worst that could happen, maybe expecting that you’ll burn all the food you will make. Work to change your thinking to imagine the best that can happen – what if the meal turns out brilliantly?

We are best at thinking flexibly when we are both relaxed and happy. What activities take you to your relaxed and happy space and how can you get more of that over this holiday time?

We often can’t see alternatives to solve our everyday dilemmas due to our regular patterns of thinking. When you encounter challenges, such as not having enough chairs for Christmas lunch, no time to write cards or get presents, or maybe dealing with difficult relatives, how can you think more flexibly about how to solve these? What might someone else’s perspective be on the situation? In what way might this situation actually be a good thing? How big a deal will this seem in a week, a month, a year?

Image credit: Nikola Tomašić on Unsplash

3. Future Focus – reaching January. It’s much easier to feel resilient when you have a sense of purpose and direction, when you know where you want to go and have an idea of how you’re going to get there. It’s too easy to be stuck in the present, wrestling with problems or issues and not seeing a way forward.

This gold ring is about focusing on your future – thinking about where you want to be next week, next month, next year, in three years’ time. It’s also important to spend some time thinking about why your purpose is so important to you.

To help you get through the Christmas period, think about where you want to be in January and how you want to feel. Here are some approaches.

Think back to move forward. At what times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, successful, happy and valued? What aspects from those times can you seek out again and bring into your future? Take a radical approach and write your resolutions now to get more of these in 2024, before you get drawn into the hurly burly of Christmas.

What’s important to you? Christmas can expose and cause tensions across many values – if we feel uncomfortable or that we’ve let ourselves or others down in certain situations, this can be telling us that something here is important. Notice your feelings and make those connections. If there is a disparity between the cost of gifts exchanged between you and your friends, do you feel bad because fairness is important you or because you believe that money isn’t important or because you wanted to show off your success or because you wanted people to feel special or because you feel you’re not able to keep up with their spending or because you’re sympathetic to others feelings? Each tells us something about what’s important to us.

4. Inner Drive – keeping going. Inner drive is about sustaining your motivation and self-belief. With high inner drive, you can navigate through and around challenges with confidence. You’ll have self-compassion and know how to draw and build on your existing knowledge and skills to respond positively to setbacks or adversity.

Inner drive centres on how you feel about your life – whether you feel positive or negative. Are you currently happy with your lot, engaged in what you are doing and feeling motivated? Or do you feel down, disenchanted and lacking in energy?

How can your Christmas experience boost your inner drive? Try these simple activities.

Many of us approach Christmas thinking about all the things we are rubbish at – parties, making mince pies, writing nice sentiments in cards, remembering what everyone likes. Instead, take a moment now to jot down a list of your Christmas strengths – perhaps you have Christmas jumpers for every occasion; maybe you make excellent trifle; perhaps you have really nice writing for gift tags or cards; maybe you’re particularly good at getting the answer at charades or you are always the calmest person in a Christmas disaster, such as misplacing the crackers.  When you feel a bit wobbly over the holidays, keep yourself going by remembering this list and also think about how it can support you into the future – many of these skills are not just for Christmas.

For some of us, the Christmas period can feel like an age of not achieving anything or time that just drags on. Help yourself with a Christmas journal cataloguing positivity. At the end of each day, jot down your thoughts in three categories – what went well today; what am I particularly proud of today; what am I grateful for today. For each of these, see if you can find a Why. Keep this practice going into the New Year and you’ll be continuing to build your gold ring of inner drive.

5. Strong Relationships – having cheerleaders. Strong relationships are a key enabler in achieving resilience. When you build open, honest and trustworthy relationships with others, you’re able to share your challenges and ask for help. Having a strong network and support system allows you to be highly resilient and achieve your goals.

It’s a common myth that resilient people are fiercely independent or lone warriors. In fact, science has shown that the most resilient people are those people with strong relationships and good support networks both at home and at work. Resilient people are humble enough and confident enough to put their hands up and ask for help. They recognise that they don’t have all the answers and that the more people they talk to, the more potential solutions they can find.

Strong relationships are built on empathy, trust and mutual respect. They rely on effective communication – enough of it and done in the right way.

What can you do to build a better support system around you this Christmas? Try these ideas.

Who are your cheerleaders? Make a note of those who have been your sources of support over the last year, both personally and in your working life. Now think about what you can do to thank those people or simply to make them feel really special.

Who are your gloomleaders? These are people that you struggle to relate to or who rub you up the wrong way or with whom there is friction in your relationship. What can you do to increase the positive interactions you have with them? Perhaps you can listen better, focusing on them; maybe you can express more empathy for them or provide them with positive feedback – telling them when they’ve come up with a good idea, for example. Could you also show more interest in them and their world or actively encourage them to join in yours?

The Five Gold Rings of Christmas Resilience can help you get through to the end of this year, and still be smiling! You can work on all five, or pick one or two that need some attention. When you are in peak condition, adapt to different circumstances, know where you want to be in January, keep going and call on your cheerleaders for support, you’ll have a much more enjoyable festive break.

The post Five Gold Rings … of Christmas Resilience! first appeared on develomenta.

Unfortunately, that might put you off trying to answer them. You might want to try to find some solutions for the big questions for the world or just for your own life. So big world questions might be: dealing with climate change, world hunger, or the cost-of-living crisis. Big life questions might be: career changes, moving home, settling debts, starting to study again, and so on.

But don’t be put off by the size of these issues because, for any of them, there is not one big answer that is too big for you to work on. No, for any of these issues, there are many smaller answers to the question. When all of these answers are stitched together, then you might deal with the big issue. Each single answer takes us closer to a solution.

You might have even been avoiding the questions completely because they were so big. So I now offer you an opportunity to get out those big questions and look at them. Walk around them and realise that you have the power to make just a small dent in their previously unassailable surface. If your big question is “What can I do to be happier?” then just write it down and observe it for a while. Then think about all the small answers that might help you on the way.

The big questions have been there for a while, so they don’t need to be answered fully today. Just chip away at them with small answers and it may be surprising how quickly they will shrivel.

What’s your big question today? What small answers will move you forward? What other big things can you whittle away in small chunks?

The post Life’s Big Questions first appeared on develomenta.

Madeleine Albright

It hardly seems necessary to learn assertiveness in order to reply to a straight question, but do you tie yourself up in verbal knots to avoid giving straight answers to straight questions?

Here’s an example:

A colleague asks you, “When does the report have to be finished?”

How do you reply?

Passively: “Umm – I think it might be Friday, but then I’m not really sure, it could be Monday or even next week sometime. You’d better check with someone else. It’s stupid that I don’t know.”

Aggressively: “You mean you don’t know? You were at the meeting when the work was allocated and the deadlines were agreed. Why don’t you get organised and go and read the notes yourself?”

Assertively: “It’s due in by Friday lunchtime.”

How would you reply, assertively, to the following questions? Make a note of your answers.

“Who’s shopping for tonight’s dinner?”

“When will you have finished that data for me?”

“How do you feel about this newsletter right now?” You can hit reply and send me the answer to that one!

Are You Being Heard?

You can use assertiveness when you feel that you aren’t being listened to, or you think you aren’t being taken notice of. When you suspect that you aren’t being heard, you might tend towards either aggressive or passive behaviour. An assertive way of dealing with the situation is simply to repeat the essential parts of your message while continuing to acknowledge the other person.

Here’s an example. You and your manager are about to meet with a client and they are hassling you to have all the paperwork ready.

“You’re sure you’ve got all the relevant notes and specifications?” they say.

“I’m well prepared and put all the paperwork together yesterday,” you reply.

“But have you checked that everything is there?” they insist.

“When I gathered everything together yesterday I had a really good checklist. You can rest assured that it’s all in order.” Clear repetition without becoming passive or aggressive.

Work out an assertive way of ensuring that you are heard in these situations:

• You’re at a weekly meeting where it is assumed that you’ll organise the meeting next week. Your flexible working arrangements mean that you won’t be at work until after next week’s meeting. What is an assertive way to explain this and re-allocate the work?
• Your friend assumes that you will always come to the gym with her on Tuesdays. You want more choice over when you go to the gym and who with. How can you explain this to her, in a pleasant and assertive way?

These are just a couple of examples to play with, but they should help you to be more assertive when you need to be heard.

Image credit: Nick Fewings on Unsplash

How Good Are You at Receiving Compliments?

In the UK culture, compliments are often regarded with suspicion and our responses to them can be dismissive, provide justification or explanation.

Giving and receiving compliments can be difficult, as people may think that you either have some ulterior motive or are trying to get you on their side. However, giving and receiving feedback, including compliments, is an important aspect of assertiveness.

Aim for a ratio of 20:1 – 20 bits of positive feedback or compliments to a single piece of criticism or corrective feedback.

When you give a compliment, keep it short, factual, and to the point and personalise it too, if it feels right. “Thank you for helping to get the report looking really professional. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into getting the layout right.”

When you receive compliments well, it boosts your self-esteem and that of the compliment giver. Those with lower self-esteem tend to dismiss the compliments they receive. “It’s nothing. It didn’t take me long. I didn’t mind helping out.”

When you receive a compliment, keep your response short, don’t push the compliment away or diminish yourself. You may also want to say how you feel. Often a simple “Thank you” is all you need.

A passive response would be “Oh it was really simple stuff actually – our intern Sayeeda did most of the work anyway.”

An aggressive response could be “Oh finally someone noticed our work!” This could come across as very sarcastic. And it won’t be appreciated by the person offering you the compliment.

An assertive way of replying might be “Thanks. I’m pleased you took the time to feed back. I really liked how it looked when we’d finished working on it.”

The next time you receive a compliment, simply take a breath and think about how you would like to reply. Don’t default to your dismissive, passive response. Saying thank you in a calm, assertive way is also nicer for the person giving you the compliment. They are more likely to feel appreciated for pointing out your positive contribution and therefore more likely to repeat the behaviour.

The post Are You Positively Assertive? Are You Sure?! first appeared on develomenta.

Sharon Anthony Bower

The first question to ask yourself is “How do I want to increase my assertiveness and in which specific situations?”

Take some time to write down the real and everyday situations that you encounter, either at work or at home, where you would like to be more assertive. Start off with one that isn’t very challenging at all. You could probably handle it if you decided to just get on with it. Then go to the other end of the scale and think of the scariest or most challenging situation that you face where you’d like to be more assertive, it’s probably one that you have been avoiding. The circumstances may make you feel quite unwell just thinking about it; possibly you think that nothing can be done about it, that it’s beyond your abilities to deal with. Write it down, all the same. Then add those that fall in between these two extremes.

Here are some ideas of where you may want to become more assertive in your personal life:

• stopping a barrage of social media messages
• telling a friend you don’t want to go out with her at the weekend
• asking your family to take on more tasks at home without getting angry and resentful
• dealing with misogynistic comments that are disguised as ‘banter’
• looking after yourself so your needs come first more often

Here are some possible work examples:

• saying no to extra work when you’re already behind on your commitments
• colleagues not playing their part in keeping the printer topped up with paper
• not being spoken over at meetings
• speaking up for what you believe is right with senior people
• convincing your boss you are ready to take on more responsibility

Look at all the examples you’ve written down and pick the 10 that are the most important to you right now. Make sure you have a list of home and work examples, big and small, long and short term. Number them from 1 – 10, with 1 being the simplest and 10 being the toughest. Next to each one, write down how you currently deal with the situation. Are you assertive, passive or aggressive? This is your Assertiveness Agenda and gives you a list of areas you’d like to work on, and where you’d like to become more assertive. You can now see which areas are your priority to start with, rather than trying to take on all of it at once.

Image credit: Robert Collins on Unsplash

How to Be Assertive

There are no standard scripts, tricks or mystical approaches to assertiveness. There is a straightforward way to approach it using these five vital ingredients:

1. Listen – those who are successful at being assertive are good listeners. You may feel you are a good listener and that is undoubtedly true for all of us in some circumstances, but really listening and receiving the message the other person is sending gets more difficult the more complex, emotional, contentious or provocative the topic is. Assertiveness is often about sorting out awkward or difficult situations, so listening is a key skill.

2. Demonstrate understanding – true assertiveness is not simply pat responses! You need to demonstrate, by how you listen and by what you say in response, that you really have understood the other person’s situation or their view of it. You need to demonstrate that you know how it is to be in their shoes. Just saying “I understand how you feel,” is not enough.

3. Say what you think and feel – be clear about what you think and identify your feelings. Make sure that you differentiate what is thinking and what are feelings. If you notice yourself saying ‘I feel that…’ that’s thinking, not feeling. Then decide how to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly and simply, so that they can be understood. Make sure that you include how you feel. This is a vital fact about you.

4. Say specifically what you want to happen – dropping hints never works! First, you need to decide what it is you want to happen. Clearly expressing this increases the possibility of it happening. Also, you are much less likely to be misunderstood. Simply expressing your wants and needs doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want, but the other person will be clear about where you stand and it gets you closer to an agreement.

5. Work out joint solutions – there may be a gap between what you want and what others want, so this means your assertive statement is the first step to working out a joint solution. This means joint problem-solving to reach a solution that pleases all parties, not a compromise. In a compromise, someone always loses and assertiveness aims to reach a solution where everyone’s needs are respected. This means that you need to explore the consequences of each choice on yourself and the others concerned.

That’s the theory! To put it into practice let’s begin with finding the right words…

The post Do You Want to Become More Assertive? first appeared on develomenta.

Eleanor Roosevelt

There’s a spectrum of behaviour. We’re all capable of behaving aggressively, passively and assertively. Aggressive behaviour is getting your own way, no matter what, interrupting or speaking over others and winning at all costs. I’m sure we all recognise that both in ourselves and others. At the other end of the scale is behaviour that puts others wants and needs above our own, where we give in, let others walk all over us, and rarely have things resolved the way that we would like. Again, we probably recognise these passive behaviour tendencies in ourselves and others.

Assertiveness lies somewhere between these aggressive and passive poles on the spectrum of behaviour. It’s about building your own self-respect and respecting other people. When we behave aggressively, we don’t respect others. When we behave passively, we show little respect for ourselves.

Choosing to behave more assertively is choosing for the assertive you to:

• be open and honest with yourself and others
• listen (really listen) to other people’s points of view
• show understanding of other people’s situations
• express your ideas clearly, but not at the expense of others
• be able to reach workable solutions to difficulties
• make decisions – even if your decision is to not make a decision!
• be clear about your point and not be side-tracked
• deal with conflict, even if it’s a small niggle or friction
• have self-respect and respect for others
• be equal with others whilst retaining your uniqueness
• express feelings honestly and with care.

The assertive you can probably do some of these some of the time already. Most of us can be assertive in certain situations, with certain people, in certain environments, while needing to work on it at other times. What’s important is being aware of what you’re doing and how you’re treating other people.

We can all access the full range of the spectrum of behaviour. Every minute of every day we move up and down the spectrum, behaving more or less aggressively, assertively or passively depending on:

• who we are with
• the situation we’re in with that person
• our history with that person or the situation
• how we feel about ourselves in that moment
• how we feel about the other person
• how brave, confident, fearful, tired, stressed or fragile we may feel
• who else is around
• how supported or nurtured we feel
• our constraints around time or other resources such as patience
• how prepared we feel for the conversation
• how we have already guessed the situation might end (either badly or well)
• what is at stake, how important the issue is to us
• societal expectations of how we should behave or respond
• and a host of other factors.

To start to build a picture of the assertive you, observe yourself and note – what are the situations, relationships and environments where you behave more towards the aggressive end of the spectrum?

What are the situations, relationships and environments where your behaviour tends towards the passive end of the spectrum?

And what are the situations, relationships and environments where you feel comfortable behaving assertively?

What are the differences between these situations, relationships and environments that can give you clues about what helps you to behave more assertively?

Image credit: Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Self-Respect and Respect for Others

Assertiveness is a choice. It’s choosing to behave in a way that demonstrates your self-respect and respect for others. Assertiveness is also concerned with dealing with your own feelings about yourself and other people, as much as with the end result. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s harder to choose to be assertive.

If you don’t respect and value your own wants, needs and preferences, you are more likely to tend towards passive behaviour. You may find yourself giving in to others, keeping quiet or saying ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’. Often things don’t quite end the way you would have liked, you can feel downtrodden and undervalued, disrespected and not recognised.

If you respect and value your own wants, needs and preferences above those of others, even unconsciously, then you are more likely to tend towards more aggressive behaviour. You might find yourself acting this way in the heat of the moment, or because you feel you know best as you’re the more experienced person, or you disagree with the other person.

Often our passive or aggressive tendencies can be an autopilot or default behaviour. Only you can truly decide what is assertive for you, because only you know what you are thinking and feeling inside at any particular moment. One of the best tips to enable the assertive you to slide more into the open is just to take a moment to reflect, so that you give yourself a chance to choose an assertive response rather than give an autopilot aggressive or passive reaction.

The post What Does the Assertive You Look Like? first appeared on develomenta.

So remember to say please and thank you, wash the dishes every day, hang up you clothes and brush your teeth. But as well remember the little people, those people whose work contributes to our health and well being every day but who often go un-noticed.  I was walking through South London one day when I passed a cheery guy who was sweeping the pavement. It was autumn so he had his work cut out. As I passed I said “Thank you for keeping the streets looking nice”.  I got a huge smile and he said “I’m really glad that someone notices”. I also got a great smile and a wave when I passed him a couple of hours later.  I bet everyone notices how tidy the streets are because of his work, but no-one ever thought to tell him.

What little things are you not paying attention to?  Who did you forget to thank today?  What little things could you do better?

The post The Little Things first appeared on develomenta.

Amy Poehler

Research shows that we can recognise up to 1500 people and Dunbar’s number says we can successfully maintain meaningful relationships with around 150 people. In between there are your 500 acquaintances, who will fall broadly into three categories of ‘helpfulness’.

• 10% are Active Cheerleaders – they are on your side and will always support and encourage you whatever the situation
• 80% are Passive Bystanders – they don’t have much interest in you or your success, but would help or support if you approached them directly
• 10% are Active Adversaries – they don’t like you, don’t think you deserve success and will place barriers in the way of your progression

Your Active Cheerleaders are in your corner. They like you, actively support you, include you in their networks, contact you out of the blue with ideas, provide genuine encouragement for everything you do. They believe in you. Invest in these relationships and keep them in the loop about your next steps and future plans.

Winning over your Active Adversaries will take lot of your time and energy. And it may not be successful in the longer term. So, only focus on this group if you really feel up to it and target individuals carefully. Remember they are easily outnumbered by the 90% who are or can be with you. Accept that you can’t have everyone on your team.

Instead focus on the Passive Bystanders. They are a rich, untapped seam of goodwill that can be released to propel you to your successful future. These people are probably not aware of your needs, your plans for the future, or the steps you want to take in your life. Often, to move them towards being Active Cheerleaders, you simply need to speak up, make contact and ask for their support.

It’s up to you to take that first step, they aren’t sitting by the phone waiting for your call, but they do have energy that can be working for you. Focus more on the Passive Bystanders, where there is the potential for support, than the likely lost cause of the Active Adversaries.

How Do People Influence You?

We are all influenced by others and can gain insight by noticing the roles that people play in our lives. Some people may appear in several different roles depending on context and your relationship with them.

Work through the list of roles below (adapted from John Lockett’s book, Powerful Networking), noticing how you are influenced by others. Record the names of those around you occupying each role and note down why they are there. Notice also where there are gaps, perhaps you have more names in some roles than others. Consider which roles are important for supporting your aspirations and future plans.

1 Energy Givers – Those who lift your mood and energy

We should all spend more time with these people. They pick you up when life is tough, restore your equilibrium when it is rocked and feel comfortable and accepting to be with. They have a generous spirit and you come away from them feeling confident, reassured and restored. They could be among your Active Cheerleaders.

2 Energy Drainers – Those who bring you down

These are people we need to spend less time with. Their effect on you may be subtle, but you can feel squashed, exhausted, or sapped of all vigour after being with them. Their intentions may be positive and well-meaning and they may be unaware of their draining effect. They can eat up your time and energy, leaving you questioning if you can reach your goals.

3 Role Models – Those who have gone before

We want to follow in the footsteps of these people as they have taken a path that we aspire to. They may have set positive precedents that will help us along. But equally, whilst you can learn from their experience, there may be aspects of their behaviour or attitude that you don’t want to emulate.

4 Heroes and Heroines – Those providing inspiration

We are inspired to be our best selves by our heroes and heroines, whether they are real or imaginary, alive or dead, familiar or strangers. We take from them a vision of what could be possible for us, feeding our passion and determination, commitment to our goals and our tenacity of intent.

5 Gatekeepers – Those who control access to people and opportunities

We can gain many resources from these people, including contacts, support, ideas, information, equipment and materials, new projects and finance. For some, this is part of their professional role (such as careers advisors) and for others, it may be more informal (like a creative good friend). Remember that family, friends and colleagues can be gatekeepers and the influence of gatekeepers can be negative if they withhold access to resources. They can be found at any level, above or below you in the workplace. They can unlock opportunities that may be difficult to access otherwise.

6 Neutral People – Those just waiting for a request to help

These are your Passive Bystanders. Pluck up courage and ask for what you need. There are probably many of them around you and you have nothing to lose. Their influence on you can be positive once they know how to help you. Aim to turn them into Active Cheerleaders.

7 Enemies – Those who actively stand in your way

These are Active Adversaries. Their attitude can be provoked by jealously, differing beliefs and opinions, or fear of being hurt or threatened by your success. Or their stance towards you may be unfathomable. They can undermine your determination and confidence to succeed and disrupt the support you get from others.

8 Gardener Bosses, Coaches and Mentors – Those actively contributing to your development

These are great people to have in your life as they are focused on you becoming more of the you that you can grow into. They enjoy this role, as seeing you develop is also rewarding for them. Hang on to these people, get as much from them as you can. Move on from bosses who don’t take this role or consider formal coaching or mentoring if this role is absent from your informal contacts.

9 Apprentices – Those you are developing for the future

We all should be giving back when we can. We feel better for helping others. So, how can you encourage those who are following you? What can you do to make opportunities for those coming up behind you? What can you pass on from your own knowledge and experience? You are at less risk of getting stuck in a role if you are already grooming your successor.

Do you have some names under each of these descriptions?

Positive Practice

Are you getting enough of the right sort of support? Do you have access to a broad range of information and ideas or are you in an echo chamber? Do those around you provide the right amount of formal or informal feedback? Do you need a formal mentor or coach? Is the amount of challenge in your life and work right for you?

To get the best out of your reflections on the list above, consider the following:

• Are most of your names in just a few categories?
• What are your feelings about this?
• Do some categories have no names? Which?
• Does it matter? What will you do about this – something – nothing?
• What is your main source of help, support, advice and ideas?
• Which people give you the most helpful feedback?
• What action will you take to mitigate any negative effects of Enemies, Gatekeepers, Energy Drainers etc?

Take some time to work through these questions. Look at who you’ve got going for you and how they can help you to achieve your goals. Now go and spend some more time with your Active Cheerleaders!

“If you want to go fast go alone. If you want to go far go together.”

African Proverb

Reference: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20191001-dunbars-number-why-we-can-only-maintain-150-relationships

Image credits: Meaningful relationships – Emmanuel Lafonte    Diverse hands – Vector Goddess

The post Who Have You Got Going for You? first appeared on develomenta.