This issue of Positive Practice will help you to be more assertive in those conversations you need to have – whether you’re planning a family day out, taking something back to a shop, or even asking for a promotion or pay rise. Because you DO deserve to be heard!

You Do Deserve to be Heard!

“Interesting how easily men own the space around them, while women just feel like visitors without a permit.”

Sarah Dunant – Fatlands

Assertive behaviour involves demonstrating understanding, saying what you think and feel, saying specifically what you want to happen and then working out joint solutions. This means finding the right words.

Using words assertively – beginnings

You might have to initiate a conversation and when you do, your opening words need to:

• Demonstrate that you understand – the context, situation, the other persons point of view or position
• Say what you think and feel – yes, both of these
• Say specifically what you want to happen – which means you need to have some idea about this.

For example: I’m calling to book an appointment with Amal. I understand that she works in the clinic on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I’m hopeful I can see her this week. Please can you tell me what availability she has?

Using words assertively – replying

On other occasions you need to respond to someone else. You need to listen and then:

• Demonstrate that you understand – the context, situation, the other persons point of view or position
• Say what you think and feel – yes, both of these
• Say specifically what you want to happen – which means you need to have some idea about this.

For example: I know that Amal only works in the clinic two days a week. My doctor has asked me to book an appointment with her this week. I’m anxious to get this scheduled as soon as possible. What can you offer me in this time frame?

Tone of voice and body language

Assertive words need to be matched by your tone of voice and body language. The message that people receive during communication with others is made up of how you look and act; what you say and how you say it. People will make assumptions about you and about what you’re asking for, based on how you act and your tone of voice. They listen to what you say, but they’re listening more to ‘how’ you say it.

Your words, voice and appearance all need to deliver the same message. This means that it’s vital to match your body language and tone with words you’re using.

“I’d like to book an appointment this week please,” needs to be said with confidence and a positive stance, even when you’re making a phone call.

If someone is talking with you on the phone, they will have to base their judgement of your message purely on your words and voice. (You can improve your tone and confidence by making calls standing up and by smiling!)

If someone receives an email from you, they have only words and the layout of the message to go on. Emojis don’t replace body language!

We’re all ‘experts’ in body language. Consciously and unconsciously, we read it all day. We know when someone is putting out a mixed message, when their words don’t agree with their body language.

Body space

Another aspect of body language concerns the space we give ourselves and others.

Imagine you’re travelling home late at night on a train. You’re the only person in the carriage until another passenger gets on and sits right next to you, without saying a word or being threatening in any way. How do you feel?

Most of us would feel extremely nervous and frightened in that situation. The stranger has become aggressive simply by invading your personal space.

In day-to-day terms we feel comfortable with some people really close to us, while with others we would rather they kept their distance. There are different zone distances, based on where you’re from and how well you know the other person, or people around you.

When you’re in a room with someone and you want to be more assertive, think about the space around you and between you and other people. Being aware of the space doesn’t mean moving around with a tape measure in your hand, but simply being more aware of the effect of distance.

You may feel that some people stand too close to you – or don’t come close enough! You may have found yourself edging down the corridor because the person you are talking to keeps coming too close. Or have you walked up to someone, only to see them back away from you?

If you want people to react to you in a friendly, open way, even when you’re being assertive, be sensitive to the possibility of invading their space. Your behaviour may be perceived as aggressive or threatening.

When you want to come across as more assertive, the words you use are very important. Remember, though, that it’s just as much about how you say what you need to say.

Need to chat about being more assertive? Call me on 0797 707 2760 or email me at sue.hewitt@develomenta.co.uk. Be assertive – tell me what you’d like to get from our conversation!

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